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Family Matters

Teen loneliness within the family

By Sam George

Teenagers are lonelier than ever before. Teens can go through days, if not weeks, without ever spending meaningful time with adults. As they try to assert themselves to establish independence from parents and try to find their own identity, they are increasingly isolated and entirely devoid of meaningful interaction with adults.
A typical teenager wakes up, goes to school, then partakes in an extracurricular activity and when they get home they are shut up inside their rooms. They spend the majority of their waking hours alone or interacting with other teens. Most of their interaction these days is virtually over the phone and Internet.
If your teenager is like many others today, he or she may not even eat with the family, but instead, eat dinner while watching TV. After dinner, there is homework, chatting on the phone or browsing online with other teens that are the same age.
Teens are left to themselves to navigate through the turbulent teen years with minimal input and guidance from adults. The double-edged sword of new technology in the hands of the omnipresent media ends up as their guide and counselor. The increased isolation only makes maneuvering through this life stage even harder.
Oftentimes, teens find themselves alienated from parents and other adults because these adults are caught up in career pursuits that make it hard to be available to during this important stage of life. Parents must provide meaningful input, model values and character, coach, and above all unconditionally love their kids during this critical stage of life.
Believe it or not, kids are desperately seeking input and guidance from adults, who have walked through adolescence. Teens are looking for adults, who are willing to make themselves vulnerable before kids and share their triumphs as well as struggles.
Immigrant parents often make a mistake of cultural bias in their interaction with kids. Another important reason why kids distance themselves from parents is due to the growing generational differences. Adults often tend to be overbearing and burdensome with guilt producing and condemning attitudes.
Then there are parents, who smother the kids even after they get married. These parents typically make every decision for the kids even before they are born - what they should study, where they should attend college, who there friends should be and who they should get married to. Essentially, parents force their children into an unhealthy dependence on them.
Both of these approaches are extreme and unhealthy. Both parents and youth workers must realize the need for the involvement of healthy adult relationships in teens’ lives. Teens must also recognize the value adults provide to journey through this life stage.
It is time to bridge the generation gap by knocking down the walls that separate us from teens at home as well within our community. As moms, dads and youth workers, you must reclaim the crucial role of nurturing the next generation with values and worldview. We also need to integrate teens into the life of the whole community, where they can share their gifts and talents with the entire society.

Sam George is the executive director of Parivar International, a non-profit initiative to address the needs of youth and families of Asian Indian origin in North America. Parivar means family in many Indian languages. Sam is the author of the book “Understanding the Coconut Generation” (www.CoconutGeneration.com). Coconut (brown on the outside, white on the inside) is a metaphor for the Americanized Asian Indians. He can be reached at sam@coconutgeneration.com